tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59218658694311893802024-03-05T04:30:27.285-05:00A Joke's a JokeCaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.comBlogger269125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-41513445410129612112012-03-10T22:12:00.002-05:002012-03-10T22:12:00.053-05:00Hanging By My Boob<span>While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances." <br />
<br />
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story. <br />
<br />
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" <br />
<br />
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." <br />
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. <br />
<br />
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. <br />
<br />
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining <br />
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! <br />
<br />
Complete darkness, the power was off! <br />
<br />
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. <br />
<br />
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. <br />
<br />
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." <br />
<br />
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! <br />
<br />
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. <br />
<br />
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." <br />
<br />
"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. <br />
<br />
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. <br />
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" <br />
<br />
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..." <br />
<br />
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed". </span>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-7449659579232638942012-03-03T21:59:00.002-05:002012-03-03T21:59:10.449-05:00Economics 101<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;"><b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on</span></span></b></b></span></span><b><b><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal;"></span></span></b></b><b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal;">credit. <wbr></wbr> <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;"><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">(Stay with this.....and pay attention) <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b></span></span><b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b></b> <br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"> <div> <div> <div style="background: white;"><b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal;">The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. <wbr></wbr> <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;"><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. <wbr></wbr> <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel Owner. <wbr></wbr> <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">(Almost done...keep reading) <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b></span></span></div></div></div></div><div> <div> <div> <div style="background: white;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;"><br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and</span></span></b></b></span></span><b><b><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal;"></span></span></b></b><b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal;">leaves. </span></span></b></b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;"><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee. <wbr></wbr> </span></span></b></b><br />
<br />
<b><b><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: normal;">And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works! </span></span></b></b></span></span></div></div></div></div>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-51162677882234679722010-06-07T07:26:00.000-04:002010-06-07T07:26:15.897-04:00From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:My five-year old students are learning to read.? Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,?"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"<br />
<br />
I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?"<br />
<br />
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"?<br />
<br />
And so it does...?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjizGYsz4LW_Gh5MxJ3SxvLtw8ekdfTSxqYWXm1GYuxQ-UVO-gvOeS7VxhquFipEu_ATXmmn2N4uF56EVM6gOcq3Vs-lIRaP5dicG4rsxWlTUyTD1qNFb0kLT49VbK5kwS-nVlgWX9T9OQS/s1600/Itsafric.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="276" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjizGYsz4LW_Gh5MxJ3SxvLtw8ekdfTSxqYWXm1GYuxQ-UVO-gvOeS7VxhquFipEu_ATXmmn2N4uF56EVM6gOcq3Vs-lIRaP5dicG4rsxWlTUyTD1qNFb0kLT49VbK5kwS-nVlgWX9T9OQS/s400/Itsafric.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"A f r i c a n Elephant"<br />
<br />
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-13421337101788499302010-04-06T07:17:00.002-04:002010-04-06T07:17:20.604-04:00Test DriveBeing bored and retired I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct.<br />
<br />
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.<br />
<br />
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.<br />
<br />
I stated the car must be a Republican car.<br />
<br />
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round. <br />
<br />
I had to walk back to the dealership...CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-68296557056164163922010-03-10T01:24:00.000-05:002010-03-10T01:24:00.316-05:00Growing Up Without Cell PhonesIf you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious! <br />
<br />
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda <br />
<br />
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! <br />
<br />
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! <br />
<br />
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! <br />
<br />
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! <br />
<br />
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! <br />
<br />
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! <br />
<br />
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! <br />
<br />
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?<br />
<br />
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! <br />
<br />
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. <br />
<br />
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! <br />
<br />
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! <br />
<br />
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!<br />
<br />
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!<br />
<br />
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! <br />
<br />
<br />
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! <br />
<br />
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! <br />
<br />
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!<br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
The Over 30 CrowdCaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-10374744302267500712010-03-09T05:45:00.000-05:002010-03-09T05:45:00.064-05:00Doctors vs GunownersDoctors<br />
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.<br />
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.<br />
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.<br />
<br />
<br />
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of<br />
<br />
Health and Human Services.<br />
<br />
<br />
Now think about this:<br />
<br />
Gun Owners<br />
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.<br />
(Yes, that's 80 million)<br />
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.<br />
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.<br />
<br />
Statistics courtesy of FBI<br />
<br />
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.<br />
<br />
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do..'<br />
<br />
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.<br />
<br />
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!<br />
<br />
Out of concern for the public at large,<br />
<br />
I withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-54558915392633256002010-03-07T23:41:00.001-05:002010-03-08T22:29:08.543-05:00Do You Feel SafeHow good is our government? A local talk radio host, Ed Henley on 700AM radio, was talking about how yesterday, he decided he would make some calls to Washington DC to see if our government was prepared for the storm (not like they didn’t have any warning). First he called the HQ for Homeland Security. Guess what! The phone rang for 3 minutes and no one answered (he recorded the calls he made all day long by the way). He called back and someone did answer to tell him no one was there it was closed because of the weather. Homeland Security HQ was down? No phone call forwarding? No answering system in place? No contingency plan for this type of situation? I feel safe now!!!<br />
<br />
Then Ed decides to contact FEMA. Ed has a daughter in DC and thought, "suppose she was snowed in without power?" What was she to do? Now,... ALL of FEMA is in Washington DC , all 3,700 folks making up the organization. And FEMA is Federal EMERGENCY Management Assistance? Well, their offices were closed, they were without power (no backup generators?). His call was forwarded to a switchboard in VIRGINIA . The switchboard operator said the offices were closed because of the storm and loss of power and all she knew was the governor of Washington DC would have to declare a state of emergency and ask the President for help. What is wrong with this picture?....(hint,... What is the state that Washington DC is located in?). That’s right!, they aren't in a state,... They don’t have a governor. He is then transferred to the disaster relief group and is told the same. All Washington government offices are closed because of the blizzard? So the government branch responsible for handling disasters and preparedness is incapable of doing their job when a blizzard hits DC? But it gets better.<br />
<br />
Ed then wonders if all businesses are closed. So he finds a Holiday Inn 3 blocks from the capital building and calls. Guess what! Not only are they open, their restaurant is open and serving full meals. They have a full staff on duty including maid service. And the FEMA folks are staying there!<br />
<br />
So,..... In case of Emergency, the government can’t function but the Holiday Inn can!CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-82779635818599193282010-02-25T14:19:00.002-05:002010-02-25T14:19:36.746-05:00Desert HumorA fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.<br />
<br />
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"<br />
<br />
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."<br />
<br />
The Taliban shouted, Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!<br />
<br />
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."<br />
<br />
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.<br />
<br />
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-75883746094033267622010-02-22T13:23:00.002-05:002010-02-22T13:24:41.910-05:00Growing Up Without Cell PhonesIf you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious! <br />
<br />
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda <br />
<br />
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! <br />
<br />
<br />
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! <br />
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! <br />
<br />
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! <br />
<br />
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! <br />
<br />
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! <br />
<br />
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! <br />
<br />
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?<br />
<br />
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! <br />
<br />
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. <br />
<br />
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! <br />
<br />
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! <br />
<br />
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!<br />
<br />
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!<br />
<br />
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! <br />
<br />
<br />
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! <br />
<br />
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! <br />
<br />
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!<br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
The Over 30 CrowdCaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-6246623367182675692010-02-19T08:45:00.000-05:002010-02-19T08:45:00.088-05:00Power OutageAt my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.<br />
<br />
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf.<br />
This ain't rocket science. Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!<br />
<br />
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door.<br />
<br />
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.<br />
Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.<br />
<br />
I'll be right back.' Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.<br />
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!<br />
<br />
After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.<br />
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'<br />
<br />
'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.<br />
<br />
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.<br />
Are we upset?'<br />
<br />
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."<br />
<br />
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'..CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-87361879324592846532010-02-17T20:32:00.002-05:002010-02-17T20:32:55.958-05:00Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science DiscoveredFebruary 15, 2010 - 14:09 ET<br />
<br />
Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science.<br />
<br />
The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.<br />
<br />
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.<br />
<br />
Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.<br />
<br />
Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.<br />
<br />
Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.<br />
<br />
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.<br />
<br />
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-38190758313208913822010-01-26T21:39:00.002-05:002010-01-26T21:39:42.264-05:00How I Learned To Mind My Own BusinessI was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'<br />
<br />
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks.<br />
<br />
I looked through to see what was going on.....<br />
<br />
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!<br />
<br />
Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14....CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-84476632150203028852010-01-20T12:46:00.001-05:002010-01-20T12:47:20.020-05:00Why God Made MomsAnswers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:<br />
<br />
Why did God make mothers?<br />
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.<br />
2. Mostly to clean the house.<br />
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.<br />
<br />
How did God make mothers?<br />
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.<br />
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring..<br />
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.<br />
<br />
What ingredients are mothers made of?<br />
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.<br />
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.<br />
<br />
<br />
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?<br />
1. We're related.<br />
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.<br />
<br />
What kind of a little girl was your mom?<br />
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.<br />
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.<br />
3. They say she used to be nice.<br />
<br />
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?<br />
1. His last name.<br />
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?<br />
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?<br />
<br />
Why did your mom marry your dad?<br />
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot<br />
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.<br />
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.<br />
<br />
<br />
Who's the boss at your house?<br />
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.<br />
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.<br />
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.<br />
<br />
<br />
What's the difference between moms and dads?<br />
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.<br />
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.<br />
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.<br />
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.<br />
<br />
<br />
What does your mom do in her spare time?<br />
1. Mothers don't do spare time.<br />
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.<br />
<br />
<br />
What would it take to make your mom perfect?<br />
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.<br />
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.<br />
<br />
<br />
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?<br />
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.<br />
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.<br />
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-89237251853112232522010-01-16T14:32:00.001-05:002010-01-16T14:33:19.141-05:00Tiffany'sA lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.<br />
<br />
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. <br />
<br />
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.<br />
<br />
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.<br />
<br />
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" <br />
<br />
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little incident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"<br />
<br />
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-84721011323085224762010-01-14T12:41:00.000-05:002010-01-14T12:44:18.715-05:00Confession'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.<br /><br />The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'<br /><br />'Yes, Father, it is.'<br /><br />'And who was the girl you were with?'<br /><br />'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'<br /><br />"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'<br /><br />'I cannot say.'<br /><br />'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'<br /><br />'I'll never tell.'<br /><br />'Was it Nina Capelli?'<br /><br />'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'<br /><br />'Was it Cathy Piriano?'<br /><br />'My lips are sealed.'<br /><br />'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'<br /><br />'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'<br /><br />The priest sighs in frustration.<br />'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'<br /><br />Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'<br /><br />'Four months vacation and five good leads.'CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-83145175849271256062010-01-11T19:40:00.003-05:002010-01-11T19:41:43.433-05:00I Can't Believe I've Gone This Long Without A Tiger Joke<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=";font-family:arial;color:black;" >Tiger Woods has now teamed up with Pfizer drug company to create a new male enhancement product- Tiagra. It's good for 18 holes.</span></span>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-44662071571279609252009-12-18T09:16:00.000-05:002009-12-18T09:16:00.132-05:00Christmas Holiday Party<span style="font-weight: bold;">Company Memo</span><br /><br />FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director<br />TO: All Employees<br />DATE: October 1, 2009<br /><br />RE: Gala Christmas Party<br /><br />I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!<br /><br />Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!<br />Merry Christmas to you and your family,<br /><br />Patty<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Company Memo</span><br /><br />FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director<br />TO: All Employees<br />DATE: October 2, 2009<br /><br />RE: Gala Holiday Party<br /><br />In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.<br /><br />Happy now?<br /><br />Happy Holidays to you and your family,<br /><br />Patty<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Company Memo</span><br /><br />FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director<br />TO: All Employees<br />DATE: October 3, 2009<br /><br />RE: Holiday Party<br /><br />Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.. How am I supposed to handle this?<br /><br />Somebody?<br /><br />And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.<br />REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED..<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Company Memo</span><br /><br />FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director<br />To: All Employees<br />DATE: October 4, 2009<br /><br />RE: Generic Holiday Party<br />What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?<br /><br />Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.<br /><br />Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table..<br /><br />Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.<br /><br />To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.<br /><br />We will have booster seats for short people.<br /><br />Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.<br /><br />I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.<br /><br />There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!<br /><br />Did I miss anything?!?!?<br /><br />Patty<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Company Memo</span><br /><br />FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director<br />TO: All F*%^ing Employees<br />DATE: October 5, 2009<br /><br />RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party<br />I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!<br /><br />The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!<br /><br />Drive drunk and die,<br /><br />The B*tch from H*ll!!!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Company Memo</span><br /><br />FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director<br />DATE: October 6, 2009<br />RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party<br /><br /><br />I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.<br /><br />In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.<br /><br />Happy Holidays!<br /><br />Joan<p></p>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-17103294430644175892009-12-17T07:12:00.001-05:002009-12-17T07:12:00.383-05:00A Beautiful Message About Growing Old<div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;color:blue;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; color: blue; font-family: Arial;"> <img src="http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=174ab4bbf3&view=att&th=12597f967b81584d&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw" border="0" height="426" width="546" /></span></span></div></div> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in 1.5pt; width: 596.25pt;" width="994"> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;color:#993366;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; color: rgb(153, 51, 102);"> </span></span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;color:blue;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; color: blue; font-family: Arial;"> </span></span> </div> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;color:#993366;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; color: rgb(153, 51, 102);"> </span></span><b><span style="font-size:180%;color:maroon;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 20pt; color: maroon;">Crap </span></span></b><span style="font-size:180%;color:#7f0000;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; color: rgb(127, 0, 0);">...</span></span> </div> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;color:#7f0000;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; color: rgb(127, 0, 0);"> I forgot what it was....</span></span></div></td></tr></tbody></table>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-7894847827385108102009-12-16T09:39:00.000-05:002009-12-16T09:39:00.353-05:00Angels Explained By Children<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >-Gregory, age 5</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >-Olive, age 9</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.</span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through.. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >-Matthew, age 9<br /></span><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; font-family: arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="center"> </p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Angels work for God and watch over kids when God</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style=""> has to go do something else.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style=""><br />-Mitchell, age 7<br /></span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(213, 74, 160);"><br />My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br />-Henry, age 8</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!</span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">-Jack, age 6</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(179, 13, 174);"> to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(179, 13, 174);"><br />Daniel, age 9</span></span><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; font-family: arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="center"> </p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(199, 96, 46);">When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.</span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">-Reagan, age 10</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy.</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style=""> If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br />-Sara, age 6</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(128, 0, 255);"> son, who's a very good carpenter.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(128, 0, 255);"><br />-Jared, age 8</span></span><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; font-family: arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="center"> </p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">All angels are girls because they gotta wear</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style=""> dresses and boys didn't go for it.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br />-Antonio, age 9</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style=""> a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style=""><br />-Ashley ~ age 9</span></span><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; font-family: arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="center"> </p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Some of the angels are in charge of helping healsick animals and pets. And if </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(128, 128, 64);"><span style="color: rgb(128, 128, 64);">they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.</span></span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Comic Sans MS;font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(128, 128, 64);"><br /></span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span style="color: rgb(128, 128, 64);"><span style="color: rgb(128, 128, 64);">-Vicki, age 8</span></span></span>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-76898367621359078482009-12-15T10:37:00.001-05:002009-12-15T10:37:00.325-05:00PoliticsThe liberals are asking us to give Obama time.<br />We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.<br />**********************<br /> <br />America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.<br />**********************<br /> <br />Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?<br />A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.<br />**********************<br /><br />Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?<br />A: A fund raiser.<br />**********************<br /><br />Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?<br />A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.<br /> The other is for housing prisoners.<br />**********************<br /> <br />If Pelosi, Reid, Kerry and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sank, who would be saved?... America !<br />**********************<br /> <br />If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!<br />**********************<br /> <br />Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?<br />A: Bo has papers.CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-48186018352120450782009-12-14T10:44:00.001-05:002009-12-14T10:44:00.762-05:00Male Vs Female at the ATMA new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:<br /><br />"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.<br /><br />Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.<br /><br />After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."<br /><br />************ ********* *********<br />MALE PROCEDURE:<br />1 Drive up to the cash machine.<br />2 Put down your car window.<br />3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.<br />4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.<br />5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.<br />6 Put window up.<br />7 Drive off.<br />************ ********* ********* *<br />FEMALE PROCEDURE:<br /><br />1. Drive up to cash machine.<br />2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.<br />3. Set parking brake, put the window down.<br />4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.<br />5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.<br />6. Attempt to insert card into machine.<br />7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.<br />8. Insert card.<br />9. Re-insert card the right way.<br />10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.<br />11. Enter PIN.<br />12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.<br />13. Enter amount of cash required.<br />14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.<br />15. Retrieve cash and receipt.<br />16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.<br />17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.<br />18. Re-check makeup.<br />19. Drive forward 2 feet.<br />20. Reverse back to cash machine.<br />21. Retrieve card.<br />22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!<br />23 Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.<br />24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.<br />25. Redial person on cell phone.<br />26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.<br />27. Release Parking Brake.CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-26066877800788159662009-12-12T04:45:00.000-05:002009-12-12T04:45:00.713-05:00Need a Last Minute Gift?Are you unnoticed? Get a new scarf...<br /><br />Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are picked?<br /><br />Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of attention........<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0__8Tq0LoEW2DDGS0WSh94JYXn_5M07Ol5OdoIbYjV400rVC2lx_afCTn7IBf-HTOiOIFZwvkomNjHKQEnhgpE2VhKtHQfPFopJdMRug-VCO1JeDBuMnsD640PcFrtgv6rhispJMkeagq/s1600-h/boob+scarf.jpeg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 290px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0__8Tq0LoEW2DDGS0WSh94JYXn_5M07Ol5OdoIbYjV400rVC2lx_afCTn7IBf-HTOiOIFZwvkomNjHKQEnhgpE2VhKtHQfPFopJdMRug-VCO1JeDBuMnsD640PcFrtgv6rhispJMkeagq/s400/boob+scarf.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5413355993103434514" border="0" /></a>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-62915813685009218172009-12-10T21:22:00.000-05:002009-12-10T21:22:00.649-05:00Santa's ReindeerAccording to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.<br /><br />Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a 'girl'. <br /><br />Well, we should've known…!<br /><br />ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-72845458841838073382009-12-09T17:19:00.002-05:002009-12-09T17:19:00.277-05:00Burnt BiscuitsWhen I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.<br /><br />On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!<br /><br />When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."<br /><br />Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"<br /> <br />Life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.<br /><br />And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life, so that you will be able to have a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5921865869431189380.post-51389131824754322422009-12-08T18:07:00.000-05:002009-12-08T18:07:00.279-05:00Christmas DecorationsWell, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations.<br /><br />The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.<br /><br />I think I made him too real this time. But it was fun while it lasted. ;)<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs3v88fU4LpvVIrUEVKB9fO_jgNDYR6t3dVH9SIpnyM3ot3_GNT02X6oG4JvY5HxFK4e6hFhFkgm8PytPjERxMNuGhpbwc4bgcNC4Vak6LmUb5eobrAiO3KPlHIEDMgUVAAl4NpCGrz8Pj/s1600-h/christmas+dangler.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs3v88fU4LpvVIrUEVKB9fO_jgNDYR6t3dVH9SIpnyM3ot3_GNT02X6oG4JvY5HxFK4e6hFhFkgm8PytPjERxMNuGhpbwc4bgcNC4Vak6LmUb5eobrAiO3KPlHIEDMgUVAAl4NpCGrz8Pj/s400/christmas+dangler.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5412683732527680290" border="0" /></a>CaraBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04614627167922944626noreply@blogger.com0