Saturday, March 10, 2012

Hanging By My Boob

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.  Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"   Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible,  "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Economics 101

It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living  oncredit.                                                                

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.                                                

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.                                      

(Stay with this.....and pay attention)                                      
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.                                                           

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.                                                      

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local  prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.                                                      

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel  Owner.                                                                    

(Almost done...keep reading)                                              

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.                                        

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.                                          

And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!

Monday, June 7, 2010

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:

My five-year old students are learning to read.? Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,?"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"?

And so it does...?

"A f r i c a n Elephant"

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Test Drive

Being bored and retired I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Growing Up Without Cell Phones

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

The Over 30 Crowd

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Doctors vs Gunowners

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

Gun Owners
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do..'


We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large,

I withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Do You Feel Safe

How good is our government? A local talk radio host, Ed Henley on 700AM radio, was talking about how yesterday, he decided he would make some calls to Washington DC to see if our government was prepared for the storm (not like they didn’t have any warning). First he called the HQ for Homeland Security. Guess what! The phone rang for 3 minutes and no one answered (he recorded the calls he made all day long by the way). He called back and someone did answer to tell him no one was there it was closed because of the weather. Homeland Security HQ was down? No phone call forwarding? No answering system in place? No contingency plan for this type of situation? I feel safe now!!!

Then Ed decides to contact FEMA. Ed has a daughter in DC and thought, "suppose she was snowed in without power?" What was she to do? Now,... ALL of FEMA is in Washington DC , all 3,700 folks making up the organization. And FEMA is Federal EMERGENCY Management Assistance? Well, their offices were closed, they were without power (no backup generators?). His call was forwarded to a switchboard in VIRGINIA . The switchboard operator said the offices were closed because of the storm and loss of power and all she knew was the governor of Washington DC would have to declare a state of emergency and ask the President for help. What is wrong with this picture?....(hint,... What is the state that Washington DC is located in?). That’s right!, they aren't in a state,... They don’t have a governor. He is then transferred to the disaster relief group and is told the same. All Washington government offices are closed because of the blizzard? So the government branch responsible for handling disasters and preparedness is incapable of doing their job when a blizzard hits DC? But it gets better.

Ed then wonders if all businesses are closed. So he finds a Holiday Inn 3 blocks from the capital building and calls. Guess what! Not only are they open, their restaurant is open and serving full meals. They have a full staff on duty including maid service. And the FEMA folks are staying there!

So,..... In case of Emergency, the government can’t function but the Holiday Inn can!