Prayers

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM."

Confession

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips

This may come as a surprise to those of us not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling ...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent' s house to visit her 95-year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100 years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh, no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.