Biopsy

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at the hospital laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

'Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

That's When The Fight Started

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

Curtain Rods

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth...but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

The Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.."

"Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

"Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike," he says "but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer.
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The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".


Never, never, never try to outsmart a woman!!!

Helpful Hint

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In order.'

Giving Up Chocolate

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive...'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'

Divorce versus Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that’s different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'!

Gotta Pee

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst..my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said...

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

True Love

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Jim's Retirement

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim ...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sheila.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Sheila to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door....
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting....

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know...get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sheila. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other....

Signed, Jim



EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly Thursday, Feb. 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his rump, with only 2 inches of grip showing.. His wife Sheila was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it, and she was released on Friday.

Gone Fishin'

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, one guy says, “I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend just to be able to go fishing.”

The next guy said, “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new sun deck.”

The next guy said, “Man, you have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen.”

They continue to fish and then realized the fourth guy has not said a word, so they asked him, “What did you have to do to be able to come fishing this weekend?”

The fourth guy said, “I just set my alarm for 5:30 A.M. When it went off, I slapped my wife on her butt and said, ‘Fishing or Sex?’ and she said, ‘Wear sun-block.’”

Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Hunting

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub with a tailgate feeder.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend.

The hunter shrugged his shoulders...'Well,we were married for 37 years.'